maybe good new depend who your asking 👅
i just got up lol. after so much thinking and doubting i got a couple of chances to confirm what i really feel. i do care about you and want to help you. i saw some video that was vaguely related to bad situations regarding you and it was like my whole body jumped up to defend you. i closed the vid after not even half a minute and i think i had to pace around for a bit to calm down lol. i'm actually happy about this ngl. i had a long complicated dream with many problems and then i got some stuff addressed to me, funnily enough, all my mom said about it is that she hoped i would read it lmaoo. it was a packet of letters from you printed in small font, and in every page was what i assumed to be daily hospital admission papers. i flipped through it but the only thing i really noticed was you commenting on my brother's relationship. i felt slightly concerned but also happy and not really anxious, which also felt nice. also some racist song played in my head probably in your and k's honor wonderful? also the only food i had in the house on thanksgiving were tamales and meat with rice lol i lowkey smiled at my goofy predicament. eated celebratory tamale thusforth. also might have not told you but despite not liking ketchup i can't eat the rice meat thing without it. all in all maybe my mood stabilizing finally, i'm still behind on everything i have to do and there is a lot of it but at least i'm out of the big suffer i think :)
Good morning !
ReplyDeleteThat’s actually so strange. Yesterday, I thought about my letters since a long time, especially because I really don’t want to remember how awful it all was. Actually, right now as we speak, I’m on a rampage looking for them- I have no idea where they are. I have the first initial letters from the ER, but I wrote over/ about 30 letters to you- which is like 4 letters a day roughly- I think. I actually read your blog thinking that my letters actually did get to you somehow- I’m that delusional. I wonder where they are!
Also, I’m glad overall you’re feeling better. I’m also glad you’re eating ( especially Mexican 👅). I’m glad you think of me to be honest. I think of you a lot. I am also glad to have a general understanding in where your feelings are at.
ReplyDeleteI found the letters! As well as some drawings and poems with it. Here’s an excerpt, “ black hair. Breaks and cracks. The colored skin in between. It’s all black. Black. Black. The withered voices. The foreign voices, the hard coughs, and passing sniffles.”
The rest is kinda cringey now looking at it, but I remember the exact moment i wrote this and how I felt ! Either way, ending on a good note- you’re still the last thing I think about before sleeping. It’s definitely a new feelings though. It’s just the wanting of you to have peace more than anything. There’s one thing I have thought about constantly that has made me cry a lot about you actually. It’s a good thing though. I just don’t know how delusional I am ! I guess ultimately God knows what I want in all of this and really the few things that would make me happy right now - if not, the only thing that would. I think im stretching this out longer than it should be, but just know that I pray for your peace and wellbeing. I hope to see you better someday <3
Good night, Robin
ReplyDeleteI really miss my best friend!
I went to church today and saw the person that looks just like you. Same hair color, same glasses, same everything. The only thing that was different was her clothes, but she had a collared shirt on with some jeans. I really tried not to stare, but I don’t know how it’s so possible for someone to look just like you be at the tip of my fingertips like that. They went up to sing and even while they were singing, I thought it was so strange that that could have been you singing! So silly !
ReplyDeleteI don’t know who this person is, but I’m sure they’re entirely different from you. It does make me happy that I can at least be somewhat delusional and believe that it’s you from time to time. You’re very vivid in my head because of it.
It’ll probably awful of me if I ever got to know her and I put expectations on her to act like you. I hope I never get to talk to them. I also know I genuinely wouldn’t be able to look them in the eye. The scariest part is something else though- how I feel- although I don’t know exactly what I feel. I just know that I’d really like to hug you
I actually had to hold back on crying. I genuinely feel so depressed! I feel like my grief is the only thing I have left of you. Even in my memories, as enjoyable and fun as they were, all are way too nostalgic that it makes me feel so bittersweet. I want to believe there’s something out there that understands me, but this thing that understands me is what is causing me to push something I really love and value. Life is kinda bleak at times when you don’t try to distract yourself or try to let go of things- I guess that’s what I get. Maybe I’ll never get to be truly happy and I should accept that? I don’t know what my lesson is or was. I’m also trying to make sense of everything else in my life- but, it feels good to also know that my life is ultimately out of my control. Very emo post
Other than that, I’ve been learning music theory! I’ve gotten pretty far into it actually and even composed a little song. I dropped art and stopped drawing ever since the hospital. All I would draw was you actually! So, it does make me a bit sad. Haven’t finished touhou, sadly. Got tipsy with some sangria the other day, very good sangria by the way. Uhhh more guitar and reading. I actually finished a book and now I’m starting this theology book. The first book is really good, but it’s a tad bit controversial sigh ! I learned that abortion was actually started by a woman who was in the kkk, was into eugenics, and was an inspiration to Hitler’s ideology. I think it’s really interesting how people don’t talk about that too often actually. Transgenderism history is actually really interesting as well- I went in on whole rabbit hole of that. After this theology book I’m going to start to read some of the classics.
Learned about Christian transhumanism and how people are beginning to worship ai as their god- so basically we are cooked ! I actually learned a whole buttload of Islam, very interesting. I learned about agartha and white monster ! Learned oli London actually converted to Christianity, which is insane. Saw a video on a very cute Buddhist cat, very cute. Have played a LOT of 99 nights. I sleep at 2am basically everyday and I eat a meal once a day at 6pm yikes ! Sometimes, I workout when I don’t blackout from the lack of water. I still volunteer at church- although, they’re taking some time off now until mid January. I’ll be “applying” to volunteer at this clinic with retired doctors. Medicine really fascinates me. Learned the art of derealization and dissociation ! I pray a lot, which helps me get through with my depression. I did a DJ gig at guitar center for like an hour, yay yippie ! Ups and downs like normal, sometimes feeling more down than up- but, that’s everyone’s big chungus life.
Writing to you has actually made me feel better. It always really does. Either way, good night ! Get enough sleep in PLEASE ‼️
I feel a bit silly after reading these letters. Some of them I actually don’t want to read at all because I’m way too embarrassed oh nah jigsaw.! Then again, that’s probably the most psychotic I’ve ever been in my life, yikes ! I’m sure you’d like to read them, I know that if it were the other way around- I’d want to read them. I’ll most likely send you my letters this week after I sort through them. I actually have written to you 38 pages full of stuff. That’s approximately 3 pages each day! 3 pages doesn’t actually doesn’t seem so much now, but I was writing all the time. I also have some poems that I might thinking of giving to you. I just wonder if giving you my letters will do more harm than good? I don’t know. What do you think?
ReplyDeleteTop artist on Spotify 1st. City girl 2nd. Windows
ReplyDeleteYour influence on the world
Should have included this
ReplyDeletehttps://open.spotify.com/watch-feed/wrapped-artist-clips?si=Tx9kTUUdQPeJziuRoYEqTw&firstItemUri=spotify%3Aexpression%3A6QHcM3t2qgtcMJMfd0wwX0
LEON
https://open.spotify.com/watch-feed/wrapped-artist-clips?si=B0gYupcHQluNgcllhAZ8uw&firstItemUri=spotify%3Aexpression%3A1elvB7CneAl2RD9H9RcVCs
https://open.spotify.com/watch-feed/wrapped-artist-clips?si=rGLmUjWUSfma5EaJPKEVDg&firstItemUri=spotify%3Aexpression%3A1wM7sTenJv34QYsVDq0xwT
Sigh time to get up because crying on the bathroom floor to Megan thee stallion must be an original experience
ReplyDeleteI wrote that wrong- you know what I meant sigh !
DeleteJust played Chinese mmorpg with Kaustav for like 5 hours ! I told him a lot about how I felt and mostly everything that happened. Although it was really nice to have cleared things up, I feel a bit .. uneasy. Especially with what Esbeida told me about other people in my life- I think I need to be clear with the intentions of others. Really all I could think about was you while I played. I also feel bad I make people feel useless in all of this. Bro talked about his crush and I’m not too sure, but I think I need to keep some space just to be careful! I don’t want to be presumptuous, but I think I have the right to be worried- especially with some things he said like “giving this person time” and “the perfect moment being after meaningful time passes”.
ReplyDeleteIt just sucks how I have to pretend to everyone. You were really the only one that knew me and I had so much fun playing with. I also shouldn’t keep thinking about this because it makes me quite depressed. I just feel like I have to pretend all the time, it’s really exhausting. I think today I cried at least a good 6 times and the first two lasted beyond 30 minutes. I really miss you and I’m scared of the people around me to be honest- maybe I’m just paranoid … or maybe I should just go mia forever heh
I just know I feel a lot and it’s not a good feeling. I think about you a lot and what you think of me still. I wonder if I really ever had a friend to begin with.
I wish I didn’t look this way or acted this way. I think also all of this just really messed me up mentally ( no duh !) - i just mean in ways I wouldn’t have thought of myself to be as before.
You probably feel the same to some extent. Just know I really care for you- apart from all these romantic feelings I have for you. Even before all of this, you were my best friend, someone I loved and cared for apart from everything that happened. You’re still that person to me. I just know I’ve also changed and I’ve hurt you. I’m sorry for the things I’ve done to you and for all the stress I put you through. I miss you, always. Have a good night 🤍
IMPORTANT‼️‼️‼️: I think it’s time to really decide on something. To either heal by having something intentional with each other or to move on. I have my concerns and optimism in both options, but I also know continuing to talk like this ( letters here and there- no clear definition of what’s going on, no closure?, I just don’t know what’s going on, what are we?) with one another will cause us more pain. I feel pain, I feel hurt. I feel a longing and a sense of loss all the time due to the discordance of our feelings. I write this to you now before you write to me about what you want to write about. I just want you to know that this is where I am at this point and I’d like to give you time to think about it as well- although, I’m sure deep down inside you know what you’d like to do. Either we talk to settle all of this or we move on..
ReplyDeleteI’m still here though, and I’ll be here for the rest of the time you’ll want me by your side. It’s like what you ultimately said, although there’s all these emotions for one another, sometimes two people can’t just mold themselves to fit in each other’s world.
I also don’t want to hurt you. So please, don’t take this as unloving.
I’ve refrained from saying this, but if it takes our friendship and everything I’ve loved with you to be able see you with me in heaven someday, then I’ll gladly be able to let it go. A mere 60 years does not compare to a possible eternity. I think this is the greatest gesture of love I could do for anyone, and it just so happened to be you.
Also, I did write that Megan thee stallion comment right
ReplyDeleteI’m all over the place brah
ALSO IMPORTANT‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️:
ReplyDeletehttps://open.spotify.com/referral/0039885979a9400527fd4bc0c0ca684d5e08b1d4f589fdf8fc985a?si=RkWpR_CLTpmej0XVPNND7Q&locale=en
I swear if you don’t use this dawg
I think of Don from time to time. I wonder if still thinks of us thinking about him. I wonder if he did end up praying for me. I also wonder if you ever think of that as well.
ReplyDeleteI also wrote you a letter before I was going to take my life. I know you’re going to hate this, but the only thing I had on hand was some journal papers and a journal paired with the book of John- that I got from church earlier that week. I wrote down what I needed to write down and I forgot about it after a while. After looking at where I wrote it, I found out that it’s the story of Jesus talking to nicodemous on how to be born again. John 3:3 !
ReplyDeleteMaybe things could all really be just a coincidence, but life would be so meaningless that way. I’d like to think our encounter had meaning.