giving up?
is radio silence a sign of silent approval? bros new years resolution is to get rid of me 🚬 easier done than said just say the word you don't have to babysit me. i guess i do owe you the q&a so ask questions if you want but you need to be prepared to hear the answers bc they're probably not going to be anything you would like
check discord if you’re brave enough or something. also, i don’t need your q&a.
ReplyDeletei’m also sorry for getting mad at you, but i think i’m justified when i say that everyone is trying to help you, yet you refuse to accept any of it and still want to call it out like it’s our fault
ReplyDeleteyou really like my attention, don’t you? i still find it so crazy how you think everything we had was a lie.
ReplyDeleteanyways, time is ticking and fyi be careful with who you associate yourself with. some people( or person ! -i won’t name who) really don’t gaf even after i’ve opened up and voiced my concerns about you and vouched for you. i’m beginning to think some people are a bit two faced and, once again, trying to get closer to me so they can “win me” over.
Alright brochacho, I’m done only being heard when it’s convenient and being expected to give respect and understanding without it being returned. Even if there were any chance of us getting back together, I don’t see how that could happen given what I’ve heard and experienced with your mixed words, immature behavior, and being kept close while also feeling very manipulated. That genuinely isn’t peace or love.
ReplyDeleteI really hoped we could’ve talked and seen each other, but that’s not happening. I’m removing you from the server and blocking you. I didn’t do this lightly- I asked for advice and really tried to handle this the right way. I even opened up to Thomas, yet, he doesn’t seem to be that interested in it and has not replied. His opinion mattered most to me and you even know how I feel about opening up to people who aren’t as close to me.
I still care about you, but I don’t feel that care is mutual, so I guess that’s it. I’ve found peace in God, and I hope you find peace in Him someday too. Genuinely. I wish you the best.
tl;dr
My goodbyes. People still care for you and I do as well.
my coworker is lithuanian! i’m pretty happy. i’m going to take about grand dukes and you to her.
ReplyDeletewould you even come out even if i was right here? in an insane and crazy burst of tears in the back of nands car out of no reason led me to go to your house. it’s sad to see all the plants gone (although, well, reasonably). this is really sad and pathetic and i guess i really do have no reason in telling you, but why not be delusional for bit
ReplyDeleteit’s kinda hard to be sad when one of your people are having a daft punk party like literally at the water fountain
ReplyDeletealso, life is genuinely horrible. ruben has finally left me alone a while ago because of how much i cry about you and our friends know how terribly and horribly i hate myself and my body. this didn’t just come with leaving someone i loved behind, but with the everyday consuming idea that i hate who i am and i hate being a woman. anyways, maybe you might take pity and smile with how horrible things are for me- karma for me right!
ReplyDeleteyou’ve probably realized this sooner than i have, but we’re both talking to dead people.
i had the most vivid dream ever in my life in where i saw you with luv and emilija and then emilijia gave me very solid advice about you because she saw me crying ! i kept hearing march 5th, something about it very special- anyways, i could read in my dream!
ReplyDeletei hope life is treating you well chat
Esbeida’s birthday is today- you should wish her a happy birthday if you can :)
ReplyDeleteI hope you’ve had a good week 🥕
also i’m goated at gin rummy now because im too stupid for poker
finally went out with our whole friend group after a while to the aquarium. I wanted to listen to your playlist as tribute for you not attending, but people kept talking to me- so instead I just thought of you a lot during it. Maybe, if I get the chance, I’ll come back someday in memory of you. I had a pretty bad anxiety attack and ended up attracted a lot of unwanted attention because I missed you.
ReplyDeleteI hope you were able to stay warm and healthy today
music ..guh..
ReplyDeleteIt was stuck onto me,
ReplyDeletethat hallway full of lights.
People who lived
not tugging for one end.
you will inspect me
with all the writing on the walls of my bedroom.
when i need a reminder of what skin feels like.
Do you really think it’s that easy?
Did you think we wouldn’t mourn it?
mama won’t kiss us tonight!
[redacted line !]
For 3 months, 5 years go
Is this something I want to remember?
some post crazy asylum poem i wrote that i found earlier this week
i don't know if you liked my poems or not, but i hope someday i can write better
listening to your music !
ReplyDeletei finally painted my nails again, i went to the doctor after 2 years, went shopping by myself, somewhat taking take of my health, not too preoccupied on things as much, seeing finally the beauty in other people, trying not to listen to one-to-many sad songs, finally began to draw, since it was something i could only do thinking about you, picked up the guitar again- even picked up the violin for a duet song i’m doing for April, learned to make a latte, failed at making a matcha, cried a lot, laughed a lot.
interestingly enough, life got better when i prayed about letting go- finally letting go and really just having faith that things will be okay because im tired of always making my own terrible decisions. Life isn’t butterflies and rainbows, but it’s a bit tolerable and, definitely, a lot more calmer.
there are a lot of moments in where i cry wanting to just give up, but it eventually goes away and i’m starting to realize that it does so every time.
like always, i hope you’re doing well.
ReplyDeletei do still think about you a lot throughout the day, especially through music.
i keep having such vivid dreams about living with you and they’re so.. normal. i’ve been having this for at least a month now and sometimes i wake up brushing off the dreams, but other times i just lay in bed with this horrible feeling in my heart. it’s a pretty big contributor to my depression- it’s just crazy how even in my sleep i can’t rest.
ReplyDeletei just saw the glow stick and tried to break one and it just came all over me
ReplyDeletealso call me mikassa with the way i now have your same scarf !
ReplyDeleteHappy February !
ReplyDeletePretty big update- I got into a genuinely terrible car crash because i was just way too tired coming back from work. I’m alive (maybe thankfully) but getting t boned with a car coming at you 50 mph is a crazy flex to be alive after. I guess i just realized even more how much i need to stop worrying and take care of myself even if it means sacrificing my studies and people. I do hesitate to talk to everyone as i think something fishy is going on- but if i don’t call it out it might mean the end of freakcraft. Although, I’d rather be alone than with bad company.
I’ve also gone for around a week without really having any dreams, which has given me somewhat of a better rest and i wake up feeling better these days.
Also, i watched iron lung. it was a beautiful movie- if you have a chance you really need to watch it.
I hope all is well on your side. Have a great February :]
i’ve finally found out why exactly things happened the way they did. i don’t want to elaborate on it too much since it’s too personal, but im glad in some way i was able to figure this out with all this time to think.
ReplyDeletei got a new game actually that further made me realize the lack certain interactions in my life basically is genuinely destroying me. it makes me sad that i won’t have such a close and intimate relationships with anyone of said certain interactions- at least not anytime soon.
i don’t talk to my family as much and i have stopped responding to people for about a month now- i feel like all i can do is muster up a couple of messages before i feel utterly and terribly horrible. maybe i should try therapy again, but even that is giving too much energy.
i guess maybe everything really was a facade and maybe i am stagnant in my progress in the end. although- that might not be true- because with every new realization, that’s when i become utterly depressed- but then i make a comeback ! and the cycle then continues .,
i am going to try to make an very clumsy and horrible attempt of making a friend in my christian spirituality class and give her some of my favorite candy ! it’s funny how things come around in a circle, right?
anyways, i’m getting a haircut in a couple of days and i'm sticking to the same haircut you recommended me to get :]
i hope you’re not doing too shabby yourself. hope gaming isn’t too bad and you’re eating and drinking enough. go easy on the sweets.
i don’t know how the Epstein files are affecting you, but i can’t believe how much more horrible things can already get! i really got lost in such worldly things- even with our situation- that i forgot that everyone and everything is actually just so simple. work, money, status, relationships full of validation, etc ., really don’t matter at this point and it never did! years of my life wasted thinking i needed this to be happy ! i might be a nomad soon chat! i have done my fair share of fantasizing about becoming a farmer and living off grid someday for a while now . at least i’ve stopped striving to make a name for myself to show others and have peace.
ReplyDeletealthough, i do feel exhausted all the time knowing i’m so powerless, but knowing that God is here brings me peace that justice will be served someday- although things are so horrible that i still heavily doubt. i don’t know how you feel, but it can’t be anything good- maybe?
maybe life is going great for you and that would be awesome. that’s all i wish for you. i’m just glad to know you’re still here, even if that means just surviving, after everything.
sleep well, get enough rest :]
i don’t know why i keep doing this to myself. i see you in my music and i see you in others and i see you even in me, yet im supposed to simply brush it off. i think the biggest thing that hurts is that you genuinely don’t know how much you meant to me. sometimes i can’t even drive myself to school because of how much i’ve cried over you. sometimes i get so excited at the thought that others knew you as well and that they bring you up here and there. sometimes i get caught up in such lucid memories and dreams that it’s impossible to not think of you and everything that’s happened.
ReplyDeletei was just scared and i needed someone to be there for me. i don’t blame you for not knowing how, i should have never put that on you. i just wanted for things to end nicely. i would have loved to see you, i would have loved to hear your voice. i’m sorry if i made it impossible for you to do so. i’ll be forever painted as a villain to the only person i’ve gave everything to. maybe my grief will leave when i accept this.
i hope you’re still alive and having a great month.
also, you would have really liked my haircut. it’s much more of a mullet now than anything, so i’m kinda chopped maybe
ReplyDeletehorse fest steam :]
ReplyDeletewhy is zenless genuinely amazing
ReplyDeleteHappy March!
ReplyDeletei hope you’re having a good time with the weather getting better. i wonder what new games you’ve gotten into and what new things you’re into— or if you’ve meet any new friends yet! either way, i hope you’re enjoying yourself.
thing aren’t going so well on my part, i just don’t know how to express my feelings to get the help i need. i guess im just retarded by nature. either way, there’s nothing i can do besides to have (delusional) hope that you’re okay and you’re actually thriving and that i made the best decision. i regret it everyday, but i don’t know exactly what i regret doing or not doing the most. i just know i feel alone and the person that i felt most safe with is gone.
things happen all for a reason at the end of the day :], …
i hope you have a great march. maybe ill catch you again at dave and busters on zohaib’s birthday again ha !
also something strange - i’ve been getting a lot of (for the last week and a half) bits and pieces here and there of things like seeing your name EVERYWHERE (like in a poem i literally found outside and a recommend spotify artist notification ((i don’t even like the genre of music they sing))) and now , scavenging through some of our archives on discord, i get a message on a discord channel with “unreal engine” . i mostly try to ignore it now, especially since your whole spiel on schizophrenia, but i still take note of it. especially the poem-
Deleteit read,
“if i can stop one Heart from breaking, i shall not live in vain
if i can ease one Life the Aching, Or cool one Pain,
or help one fainting Robin
unto his Nest again,
I shall not live in vain.”
i found this on a sheet of paper while i was walking on campus. it made me happy
started drawing (and even animating) again and started taking antidepressants
ReplyDeletei lost roughly 10 pounds and i had an insane psychosis episode a couple of days ago, i really wouldn’t be surprised if i get schizophrenia. i aced my stats test without studying— maybe i am smart 🧠. started to play the piano again! time flies now, nothing is still anymore. i’ll be going to chicago twice next week, so that’s exciting. OH i learned how to mediate in a class and that was an experience. i also went to yoga class.
overall, i just think i need to go out for a walk more often.
i wonder what you’re up to and if you’re eating well. you must have gone out and talked to your friends, so that’s good (although, i seriously think you need new friends or maybe i’m just jealous).
anyways, just take care.
holy crap dude??????
Deletefull body 2 did a collab with DDS??? one of my all time favorite rock songs with one of your favorite band is genuinely so insane….
it’s crazy how things just line up so perfectly. maybe things in life are always like this, but i never took the time to pay attention.
genuinely ever day i find more things to keep on believing that you’re so cool
mmm i had a very peculiar symbolical dream about you chat and it’s been a while since i’ve dreamt of you. so🚬i’ve been thinking about how you’ve been doing all day. i’ve heard some good things, perhaps maybe it’ll come true and i can actually see how you’re really doing.
ReplyDeletealso, this is the 6th day on lexapro and apart from the mega ultra boost it gives me to keep going, the memory loss is very evident. i’m starting to forget a lot the memories we’ve made, but more than anything it’s me feeling like something is just missing.
it does greatly help with my panic and anxiety attacks, which id rather take feeling this weird mixture of constant melancholic apathy than a panic attack any day.
i hope so far that march has brought you much happiness.
i had a dream we played roblox because i sent a message asking you if we could just play roblox.
ReplyDeletei talk about you to friends, sometimes they can’t answer my questions, but im having an easier time in brushing things off now. lexapro does work wonders.
i miss talking to you. if no one has told you today that they love you, i love you. please take care of yourself and be safe.
i hope you’re okay
ReplyDeletei saw something that made me very happy (from you). i’m just happy you’re still you and doing things. being on my medication has really made me feel so disconnected for everything- i’m constantly disassociating 24/7.
so i’m just happy to “hear” from you.
enjoy the nice weather that’s coming up these next couple of days :]
happy April ! happy april fools ! hopefully you did not get fooled today