yeah well me doomer
got told once again to see some counselor but what the fuck would i even say. that i am dying and there's no way anything will ever be okay again? i guess it's good you're drifting away from me because i literally serve no purpose to you or anyone else anymore. if everyone disappears i can just resume dying in peace. i genuinely can't believe you are doing okay and it sucks that i can't do anything, but whatever made you who you are becoming now is your own choice which i don't even have a choice but to accept. i have no leverage in anything ever and i lowkey am glad because i am useless and unfit for any sort of responsibility i guess. i still think about how in an ideal world if i could forget everything about life and our incompatibilities and everything else i would find great comfort in just being with you, but i fear you're becoming a stranger to me so i don't even have a choice in letting go. i'd say i'm still here to support you but you don't even need that and i don't even know how much support you could get from me. maybe everyone was right and you should find another bestie or go back to your opps so everyone could be happy. feeling horrible but will try to wake earlier to catch up on everything. doing bad = passed 5k tuna cans
That’s basically what you’d say to a counselor. Even now I don’t want to go to my sessions because I feel like no one will understand, but my therapist is actually genuinely very goated. I understand how you feel though. I do think the more you talk about it- the more it will help you. You can just start off by saying that you feel bad because you feel like you can’t have someone. That’s what I told my therapist ehe..
ReplyDeleteI should tell you what happened at the hospital !
DeleteI was laying in bed, dying, and thinking about you. The first few initial days have passed by and in those days I actually called ivy and asked her to give me your phone number in which she denied and I spent the next two days crying and crashing out and isolating myself from everyone lol
So I was in bed and a nurse comes up to me (nurses have to read your lore so they can better help you) and she was like,
“Hi Angel, I’ll be your overnight nurse -Let me take your vitals !”
And I was like, “ok.”
And she said, “ I know about your story. I can relate to you. I think what is happening to you is horrible, but I think that you loving this person is beautiful. I used to work at an eating disorder recovery clinic in where there would be many trans individuals in which I would mainly lean towards them. I learned a lot about how they’ve felt and it really touched me- so now I became a more general nurse in the psych ward.” (Or something like that)
That made me happy
Then she said, “If you ever need anything, please talk to me- i understand.”
I said, “ I appreciate everything you’ve told me, but this is more of a spiritual thing. What I am doing is wrong in the eyes of God and I am scared.” (I probably ranted a lot more though)
She said, “That’s not true! You should focus more on the love of God and his mercy and grace. He wants us all to love each other!” (Basically her main message)
I said, “Yeah.. maybe. I don’t know” (I gave up because I really wanted to believe it but I couldn’t)
She reassured me and then left. I laid in bed and probably was crying.
She came back and gave me a small New Testament bible with the addition of psalms and proverbs and told me that, “Psalms is a beautiful book, you should try to read it.”
That there made me so happy- so I spent the next hour or so reading psalms.
The next day I woke up, panic attack, everything bad. Very angry and very sad with everything.
Went to therapy and came back to my room. Sat down on my bed and looked at the Bible. I don’t remember if I read some psalms or anything- but here’s the crazy thing
I asked God to really genuinely talk to me. I even knew in my head it was stupid because he’s not a genie and does not work that way, but uhhh I did it either way. I said that whatever page in the Bible I flip to then that’s him “telling me something”- basically.
So I opened the Bible and I land on Romans 1 and not even just Romans 1, but on the ending part of Romans 1 which contains 26-27.
Bro I start crashing out. I tell God that if he really meant to do that- that what he did was awful and mean. I flip to another page and it’s 1 Corinthians 6:9-10.
And both of these pages were on the left hand side of the book and mainly towards the top of the page- meaning- it would be the first thing I see when I flipped to the Bible.
Dude when I tell you I got so genuinely terrified. One page is cruel. Two pages my whole world crumbled. Either way, I told God that if, again, that was him- that was very cruel.
I started to mess with the Bible because I closed it and opened it, I would LAND on that page frequently. I turned the book upside down so the pages of the book were just dangling and I noticed that there were big gaps (like the binding of the Bible) in where it would make it easier for someone to flip to Romans and Corinthians- because of how the book it was made itself.
I didn’t know what to think. I was in shock because the lady who gave me it was genuinely trying to help me be okay with what was happening to me, but her “gift” led to this.
I really didn’t know what to think !
I saw the Chaplin the next day. She told me I should read the book of psalms
I told her, “Some nurse gave me the New Testament with Psalms in it and told me to read it.”
She said basically that that seems not so much as a coincidence as I thought it to be!
DeleteI read psalms. The Chaplin told me to read psalms 88 because she told me the same thing I told you about it.
Some time passes. I still was very angry at that dumb book.
I decided to read Romans (very tough reading !). I come across 1 Romans 2:4.
Something that NO ONE could answer me about in the psych ward and I finally find it here. In this stupid book that I hated. Everyone told me it was okay for me to feel this way and that we were either going to go to hell and it didn’t matter what we did( like everyone), people were universalists, or they just said that it’s love and God is love.
But God is justice as well.
Too many things were stacking up against what I wanted to believe.
DeleteAnd I still very much want to believe that everything will be okay if I do what I want to do.
But I think I’m in a dangerous position because I know now.
As much as I want to be with you. As much as I know I’ll genuinely never ever feel this way for anyone else- and I’ve prayed about this. I’ve prayed about how awful it is to be able to feel so much for you when I can’t have you and I’ll probably be never able to feel this way for anyone else- any guy that God sends me my way. I pray about how terrible I feel knowing that God did allow this to happen and he knew this would happen way before. I pray about how my life is horrible and terrible. I pray about how I feel so angry that it couldn’t be you. I pray about how tangled up my mind is with all my previous beliefs and desires that I just feel like it’s impossible for me to feel better. I pray and I pray.
But in some strange and weird way, even if the world is always mundane and boring without you, I find some sense of peace knowing that there’s someone still there with me. Even though I don’t understand why I can’t have you, I know that God is content with me and sees me as strong. Even if I do give into you, I don’t want to hurt you. I wouldn’t want my desires to hurt your possibility of your own growth possibly with God. All I want is the best for you. I don’t want to hinder and be the one in the way between you two.
I still very silly hold on to some hope that I can figure out some loophole, something, anything.
Why do you think I am reading the Bible lol
I am not reading it so happy jolly, I want to find out ANY contradiction. Anything that will tell me this is fake bs and that I can go do my own thing. Anything. Even if I don’t find anything- You can say that I really did try.
I think I’m definitely not quite there in being a Christian psychologist lol but I think that if this is the truth- then what more could you do than to help people not only save them some agony here- but to save them from eternal condemnation. I still struggle with that. I don’t know why me and not others. It does not feel good and I don’t understand yet. I just know life is full of vanity and things are awful here. I want to help others. I guess that’s why I haven’t killed myself yet probably.
Either way, I hope this gives you some insight to my logic- how my emotions do contradict with each other, but how there could be some truth out there.
I also think you are too harsh on yourself.
I think you’d relate to Romans 7:15-25
It makes me sad to hear that you think I am changing way too much. I still really don’t want to change. I am the same person with the same wanting to be with you. I just think that I was always too wishy washy and too lukewarm. I still miss you.
ReplyDeleteI think about playing with your hair while you tell me everything you want to tell me daily. I don’t find any harm in that. I still just want to be there for you.
I wonder at times how different would it have been if I had left with you. I wonder if I still would have gotten to the same conclusion or if I would have chosen to be ignorant for both of our sake.
Either way, I think it’s hard to say when you can’t unsee the truth in things.
I just know that life is pretty mundane right now. In some way, peaceful- but definitely mundane. I don’t know what true happiness is and it scares me.
Also you say find another bestie like it’s the easiest thing to do brother
ReplyDeleteBro I’ve been alive for 21 years and have never found anyone to be as cool as you.
My opps, I have no intention of anything with them. I still find you to be attractive in every way.
Sigh
I guess it’s kinda nice that you’re so uniquely made. I am really glad to have met you because I had the ability and capability to feel this way towards someone. I don’t think many people get this chance. You’re so awesome :)
And this is not recency bias ! I can confirm !
ReplyDeletehttps://youtu.be/4d_FvgQ1csE
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