Still a personal update for now, please forgive
AMNESIA BUNKER FREE ON EPIC WAKE UP!! And Scooby in Fortnite. Valo got another update - imagine queueing for comp and seeing the map has been remade - the only thing saving that is your peak radiant teammate.
My cat went crazy tonight, went to hit my mom's face multiple times. My brother made me a Nutella sandwich for some reason. My mom was scratching my head, and my cat was staring so hard, and then he put his paw on my head too lol.
On the test I was going to get a 6 on, I got a 7! Actually exclaimed in happiness in the hallway. And today's test, despite me basically not studying at all (I am indeed very cooked), went suspiciously well - I probably failed it miserably.
I have a concert tomorrow, it was planned years ago already; of course, my first choice would be not to go, but that would be mean.
Surprisingly got to play with K. Vro so scaredy, I can't play Roblox horror with him 🥀 Got on some Valo bootleg, they even have Jett's ult. Almost topfragged. Even he said he can't comprehend what happened between us, so we must be doing so much worse. We probably need time to stop dissociating and really face everything. To be really honest, I have probably even more stuff to ponder on than you.
Met C today. Bro really hates me, I can see that 💀. Talked some with R and Z. Everyone wants to talk to you. I don't know how possible that would be, but there is one thing I want to press you on - you should go to the Halloween dance. It's Z's last day as a CAB member!!! I won't go, so you don't have anything to worry about either. You can stand up for yourself and not talk about anything you don't want to, but your isolation really worries me. Plus, it's a public event, so your mom can go as well. This would be a perfect chance to go and see everyone and everything.
Z and E had their one-year anniversary :) They got matching Bose QuietComforts (peak mentioned!).
Still feeling like there is a wall between me and everyone else, even my friends. That feeling of derealization never really left. I might have to go to the college counselors at this point, but it feels too awkward and meaningless for now. I feel lonely in my class too; there's never a reason for me to talk to anyone, and I genuinely feel distant from my professor. I have slight personal grudges against her, so I guess that's my fault, at least.
I Remembered who I was before. Not like it really helps. Though I do have a (hopefully heartbreaking enough) essay topic now, I guess 👅 So much pondering, so few conclusions.
Still haven't played Ena sighhh. One thing that I consistently have really been looking forward to is Markiplier's Silent Hill f videos. Otherwise, it's a non-stop distraction fest between useless wins in Prospecting, failing Valo comp, and rotting my brain with mobile games. I love not thinking; I'm disappointing everyone by not being there for them, but dawg, maybe I do need to take care of myself first.
Met someone named oppsstopperabc123 on Prospecting. Safe to say I shat my pants. Big wilting flower emoji moment.
I did have a dream about you 🚬 Also, everyone seems to have Snoopy stuff brah.
Eating meat with rice with some spicy-ish sauce - not only caloriemaxxing, but Mexicanmaxxing AND Perumaxxing too. Hell yeah jigsaw.
Sorry for my absence once again. Hope you are taking care of yourself and at least sleeping more than I do lol.
Thank you for the update :]
ReplyDeleteIll think about the Halloween dance but I am not too sure if ill attend ! I think i'd break down- especially with so many people coming up to me and asking me about everything. I'm not sure if a party is a place to have this conversation at hmmm.........
I think you should go to the college counselors ! That's something that I think that will really help you. It's helped me a lot to just be able to talk about everything over and over and over again and realize bits and pieces of things that I really did mess up big time (not anything hurtful against me- but against you and friends) and how I was also hurt
Ahh therapy very cool !
You do need to take care of yourself. I always keep you in mind and pray for you. Whenever you pop into my head I try to pray for you and ask God to give you some peace wherever you are.
SILENT HILL F !!! I was watching kubz scouts play it ! So far, i'm an hour in and it's kinda ehhh. Graphics very pretty but story wise maybe i overhyped it myself- maybe theres a very good plot twist (hopefully)
I hope you have fun today :)
I have a big day of just reading and writing and playing the guitar and therapy later.
I'm glad for my existential ocd thoughts to some extent- but I also feel so depressed all the time. I realize how poopy fart the world is and it makes me really sad. I think it's also really crazy how some people are okay with living when they don't realize that there could be something more to life and after life. I think a lot is in stake when it comes to this and we have to take it upon ourselves to not understand everything -but to rely on something, to rely on God.
I am still very skeptical ! Instead of ignoring these thoughts that plague me every time and every day, I think the wisest thing to do is really try to understand who is this God that has caused me pain and is still loving. I do and I don't understand. Either way, I am reading the bible.
Something big I was told was that God did not let Jacob be Jacob, but he let Esau be Esau. If you really are God's child, you will disciplined; Because He loves you so.
It reminds me of what you've told me. That my religion is causing me harm. I don't think it was ever meant to be easy- you can see this when you look at Jesus' disciples and the way they died for truth. Very scary ! It caused them to hurt ( look at Paul, imprisoned and isolated, something out of his control- but still very strong in his faith! ), but when you know there's bigger than you it just does something.
true stoicism !