still alive no catchup

still don't have it in me to keep up with everything, but from what i heard you don't need me anymore, so taking this time to suicidemaxx. only posting this to show im alive ig

24th: cried like 5 times in 6 hours? got up at like 6pm after sundown, went to sleep at maybe 8 or 9 am the day before

went to see z at the dance but stayed by the ticket table for like 20 mins max and gained basically nothing from it, just passed along some trinkets that may not even reach any recipients

i wore my basic daily fit with moises' pants but people actually seemed to like it lol. i guess my emo drip is on par with the halloween vibe. wore my dawg necklace even. didn't get to the photo booth even if i tried pushing hard for getting a picture

wanted to go see new chainsaw man movie but didn't get to

everyone's care for us feels so shallow. but while i feel like at least some people care about you (i know damn well i did at least) nobody ever really cared about me :/

tbh i'm still so angry and bitter at everything but even that is just so pointless

i got ideas for two games now plus extra project but i can't even manage to plan them out enough to work on them

realized how shit i am at making music. also found out i lost the few finished songs i had

next exam on thursday, i'll be counting on your origami again this time

stayed up past 10 for prospecting admin abuse

as i was in bed, the rising sun was hitting my eyelids through the gap in the blinds in my room. it reminded me of you. i started giggling really hard and fell asleep very giddy

25th: got up at 7.30 pm and only because i was scared of my dad saying something. did nothing. am very unwell. everyone is concerned about you and i don't have it in me to deal with everyone. painted my nails black again, ig this is what people call self care, but i didn't even enjoy it like that. i never talk about any of my problems because if people are dad i can't put even more stuff on them and on the rare occasion they are happy i can't bear to ruin it. sometimes when i feel bad i want to drink strong coffee because i don't like it and it hurts - w self harm method. i hate getting queued with throwers bruh i genuinely want to die so bad. theres a song in genshin that was very very city girl pilled that was kinda sad esp bc it was really out of place, it was only there so i could ponder about it. actually felt genuine relaxation for a couple minutes today, it's been so so so long

26th: didn't sleep today, took 2 naps at midday and 7 maybe. thought about how it would have been like to be a part of your family. i had a dream i was on a sofa eating pizza with your dad, he didn't know hand sanitizer dosage (that's how i know he's mexican) so he slathered so much his hands looked like covered in white soap, your mom came in to laugh at him, and you and your brother were sitting at a table a bit further away from us the entire time. on more Real news for how much your mom blamed me for your suicidality i wonder if she'd even care that she's causing me the same exact feelings. my mom asked me what she'd supposed to do if i died and told me i don't need to have some "worth" to her but lol that's probably not true. i'm gonna have to study today and tomorrow to have some Worth in my Life. take care and have fun fr