scareiy
29. ngl this one time 28th or 27th the Voices were nice to me after i woke up they said they loved and cared about me i think it was addressed to me. maybe why my mood was a bit better. everything i do ends up being a mistake. how ever ... big plan is brewing evil laugh. i am him. i can still fix everything and everyone. talking to stubborn ppl is difficult but not impossible. i just hope i won't be too late sigh. i must cook. when i tell others about my plan if they tell me off i',m actually going to kill myself. first two lines of bob marley's is this love keeps playing in my head for multiple days now. lowkey beautiful ass song. also gooood news chat i decided it would only be right to forgive you for everything so we kinda 67 chill now, i'm still really scared of talking to you though, i start shaking and my heart starts hurting when i think about it. feels bad to leave you for so long but man am i suffering. i found out the reason for my horrible screen tearing was my refresh rate - while my monitor can go up to 120/180, my rate was BELOW 60. w energy saving but dude this is obscene for gaming. only bumped it up to 75 but everything looks so smooth now ain't no way this is what i've been missing. first time seeing um without screen tearing. brian has also replaced taishin on my home screen i will not let you stop me from what i love !!!!
30. plan probably canceled. had a breakdown later that night. my opinions regarding you flip flop between polar opposites so easily. test was okay, one question apparently was supposed to have no answer but i thought i was just stupid so i wrote whatever as my answer and will get points deducted even tho i solved that it wouldn't have an answer. as always begged for a sign whenever i have a chance (fortune cookie this time) and whatever it means or whatever it's worth i guess i'm not leaving you and i just have to wait. been locked in on this backrooms game on roblox. been feeling more nauseous than usual. slept on the bathroom floor to commemorate the mid ass day. planned a one hour gaming session just so i could ask about you and canceled it too. internet is still horrible, screen tearing is still there, pc barely works. 6k tuna cans. i feel like the reason you ever liked what i said to you about your situation is because i kept validating your preexisting biases and opinions. i've seen this multiple times now but in a room full of people giving you different opinions or even one single opinion that is different than yours you would still rather stubbornly listen only to the one person that validates YOUR opinion. i don't know if that's a good thing at this point. the reason i'm so distant from everyone now is not only because my mental and physical health have tanked and i've been having anxiety attacks way too often, but also because i had to think really hard. you used me and threw me away when you no longer needed me and then you did basically the only thing i cannot excuse. and yet i think i will forever be bound to you. i don't think my life can be not empty without you, the coincidences were way too big and the "lesson" completely nonexistent. the only thing that doesn't let me plunge into complete despair yet is knowing i still have some time. unless, of course, i die super soon, which would also be greatly welcome <3
31. willing to admit my sleep schedule might be making my mood worse. i went to sleep crazy late and woke up too early, couldn't sleep for well over an hour but i spent the entire time thinking very nice things about you. then i woke up at 8 pm and everything was mid like always. my pc says my active hours are 4pm - 7am. getting ready for my comeback tomorrow (i have to everyone is forcing me sigh). really really scared. today would not be a good day because my parents are gone. jerma looks so beautiful in his stream today i want to be him. internet problems even worse. so In Summary i was really hurt, i felt like you never really loved me and just threw me away, and i also remembered all those things you said you'd do and never did, and when you never listened to me, etc etc. since then i have seen some things about different ways people show love and i thought about your perspective. i still can't trust you fully but i can at least assume there's a chance it was never as bad as i thought, and i have come to appreciate some things (maybe it was never on purpose, i don't know how much effort you really put towards my happiness, but you complemented so many things about me so well, and your constant presence was beyond nice. you were really as perfect as they get). however, it still does not mean you are right and does not excuse your actions, but gives them more of a reasoning. maybe you're getting your signs, but i'm getting mine. if you really want to take it that way, you can say that even my prayer was answered and it did not tell me to let go of you when it easily could have, so you can't even play the god card here lol. i just want someone to really understand how hurt i was and how hard everything is on me, but that i still don't want to be weak and give up on you, and that i still want to be there for you. i'm being careful and taking my time and planning my steps, but i still have enough hope to believe that things can turn out well. some roblox dreamcore game had w96 song from my fav album this is crazy work
Haven’t read it fully.
ReplyDeleteI felt too sick to continue reading after you said you felt like I’ve used you. Maybe I’ll read your updates with time.
I got you Mexican Alice necklace.
I don’t know what to think anymore.
I guess I still don’t understand. I’m sorry for choosing what I think is right. Maybe I am wrong- I still do doubt myself- but I should probably not be allowing you to know about these doubts because I don’t want to keep hurting you.
ReplyDeleteI really don’t know what you want me to do
I’m sorry that you’re hurting so much.
ReplyDeleteI still don’t understand how my confirmation bias in this situation though. I felt like I really was searching for someone to inform me that I was okay in all of this. I wanted someone to tell me that I could be with you.
I never gave up on you that easily. I went to the psych ward for you dude. I grieved and was so angry for so long and alone because I wanted you. I still am.
I haven’t been reading the Bible or praying as much lately. My prayers have been filled more with if God really is even there.
I’m just sorry for hurting you so much.
Jigsaw Rin just told me he always liked me this morning- and he even mentioned you in the texts as well. Oh nah jigsaw
ReplyDeleteWhy are people so desperate
It’s crazy how a month has already passed since the last time I saw you. I still think of you very much and I wonder if I’ll always think of you this way.
ReplyDeleteI try to see the beauty and uniqueness in others. I think I’ve come to appreciate that more during this time- which is good overall- but it feels like I’ve also never really fit anywhere I go. I felt very comfortable with you!
I wonder if I’m being selfish for wanting you so much and wanting to feel that love we had again. I wonder all the time if I really did truly love you. I think with everything I know up to now I can confidently say I did love you and I love you even more now.
If what I believe in is right and correct, then my love would be the purest it could ever be.
I miss you- like always. Good night, Robin.
Also about playing the God card- you can’t invalid my experiences as well. I can easily pray about wanting to let you go, but there’s a bit part of me that does not want to let you go Robin. The prayer is rather, “allow me to do your will.”
ReplyDeleteI don’t want to let you go, but I want to do what is right for the both of us. I think you just need to figure out what’s the actual truth. But then again, it’s hard to find an objective truth when you just rely on feelings.
I wish I could send you pictures!
ReplyDeleteAlso the language barrier is strong. I find myself laughing just because other people laugh, but not because I underStand. Revisited the person who went to school with Guillermo del Toro. Revisited the person who was going to have a whole museum to himself in New York because he’s crazy good at painting, but decided to give it up to be a pastor.
Hmm ate some really good shrimps on the stick with salsa. Ate a stuffed bell pepper with nut sauce on it (pause). Drank a 500 dollar tequila and took 6 shots. Stomach burned like crazy. Probably gained like 50 pounds from eating so much. Walking a lot as well. Sun here is too hot. People keep telling me to conform and colonize me to being more Mexican, but I refuse and say viva Peru. I’ll come back home on the 8th. People want to talk to me and I am ready to talk. The dog here reminds me of my own dog Mimi. Hmmm I see you in everything- even in the parking lot (Wisconsin throwback). My stomach drops and my mood sours and I lose my appetite because I miss you and I want you to be here with me.
Good night, sleep well. I hope you had a good day today :]
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