pc doesnt work i dont have internet should i go off grid live in forest
26? on and off i hear drawn out screaming in my head or pleas for help or for death but i'm not yet insane enough to externalize them heh. maruzensky makes me sad as hell. i don't think anyone understands just how much i am hurt and the implications all of this has on me. i keep thinking and no matter what conclusions i could come to none of them are what you'd like to hear. either way i am glad not to have anyone depend on me because having everything spiral out of my control like this is cheeks especially when i too seem to be right. either way though this world is way better than what you seem to think it is, it's like vro just hasn't found the meaning of life. i used to hope very very hard for me to be able to believe in how you see things and your choices so i could feel like you made the right ones and i genuinely tried really hard but with the way everything is unfolding i don't think i can because everything is very illogical and Bad. i can't even make any honest attempts to pray even for you, all i do is wait. maybe am in da Matrix i cant even Lie
27th. i am in the matrix. none of this is real vro. woke up late as hell, read an insanely lovefilled post about how a girl fell in love with her friend after he transitioned and they lived together and allat and i just put my phone down and i closed my eyes back up brah. instead of studying i washed the bath and spent the rest of the day trying to beat some roblox horror game. my cat is so small. my labubu is washed (clean labubu ugly and looking dirty) it looks like my cat. i am pretty sure there is not a singular way that i will be happy ever no matter what. maybe like a couple but they're impossible atp and even my luck isn't that good for everything to go that way. been eating a lot of toblerone, very tasty. picked off all polish except for 2 nails. playing so much gambling i feel like the distraction works bc i am not going insane from thinking. im ignoring people and those that im trying to ask for help are ignoring me all is as it should be. got meisho doto on like the 15th pull maybe? i'm gonna waste a bunch more pulls but whatever go my horses. apparently my car is fixed what if i go get into a car crash yay! i still tear up randomly bro am i genuinely suffering so much? distractions so good i dont even remember what im feeling and why at all. noticed a couple weird hair tufts so i cut my hair a little. every night i'm too scared to go to sleep because i am scared of being alone. traumatized so bad i regressed to being a child? should i kill myself to end such dishonor to my lineage? ended up basically not studying too heh.
28th. feeling so bad. got 9 on test. exam moved to tuesday. we have 6g internet now. my old friend keeps dreaming about me. feeling hopeful today, that's one more reason i wouldn't want to hear what you have to say - right now you are schrodinger's you, maybe you have good news and everything will be solved, or maybe you have something that's gonna make me feel even more horrible, and i want to hold onto this hope since i basically have none left. tried pretty hard with your new testament random verse lifehack and got nothing of substance apart from w circumcision verse (also aint no way judas just hung himself and they just left it at that lol) so just more proof that was only because of pre-usage of the bible (opened the book twice on the same random verse). proof keeps piling up, even if it doesn't i'm already cooked so it doesn't matter to me. but there's a chance things can still go right ig, all the puzzle pieces are there. if nothing else i have to believe in everything turning out okay, otherwise god has abandoned me and i will go to hell with nothing to show for it which is cringe. somehow pc is getting more and more storage after it exploded so bad that my entire desktop is gone replaced by just gray and it's unusually quiet today idk why it's doing so well. it's possible don moved out around a month ago too. apparently meisho doto story too hopemaxxing i hope i dont want to kill myself after it. shit so cheeks im watching some mexican cartoon on netflix. i dont understand why i still have so much to say i genuinely dont understand why im still alive. i don't want to hate you </3 i actually get really flustered thinking about you sometimes. pc exploded again and brought back my desktop and ate up 7 gb. am bronze 1 now.
Do you hate me? It’s okay if you do. I have doubts about everything as well.
ReplyDeleteI had the freakiest dream ever with you ! I even woke up because I was moving so much while sleeping. That was crazy
Spent half the day pretty much thinking why I have to be human and feel this feelings. Things are pretty bleak. I know my purpose and meaning in life, I just have a hard time accepting that all I do has to be for God.
Was close enough to do something silly again!
Anyways, I’ll update more later. I got a good tan on me. Went to go karaoke, fishing, beach, ate freshly caught seafood, been sleeping a lot, reading, pool, late night drives with music. I’m the complete opposite of you. I hate these distractions. I hate that I’m waiting to just die. The problem with me isn’t that I want to die- I never wanted to exist in the first place to begin with- but how can I make this judgment when God created me as how I am right now? It feels alright at times to know things are out of my control, but it also feels like I need to live up to some expectation I don’t want to live up to.
I miss you.
I hope to have the strength and understanding for all of this. The bride actually went through something like this as well. It made me sad to see her marry someone else. I don’t know how i could ever bounce back from something like this ever. I don’t know how she’s happy and it hurts.
I guess my life was never mine to begin with though. Bleak ass post. Gomen
Can you elaborate on why you think this is all illogical? I really want to understand
ReplyDeletehttps://spotify.link/2CZSIyh1TXb
ReplyDeleteLooked at the moon for a full on 40 minutes at the beach thinking about you and contemplating on life.
ReplyDeleteIt’s crazy how I can only really see you in my dreams.
I feel like I’m making new memories with your fake doppelgänger just to cope with everything.
At the end of the day you’ll end up changing and so will I. I wonder how long it’ll take before the Robin I know doesn’t exist anymore. I’ll only know when the angel you know does not exist anymore.
I wish my life was truly mine. Maybe I’m just too depressed to think logically.