i guess i give up kinda?

finished SHf i don't even have anything to look forward to. i can't do homework early because i need to distract myself. i can't do homework late at night because i get paranoid about being alone so i have to play some non music video which distracts me. i can't do anything straight up. all i'm hoping for is death sooner than later before i fuck even more things up. i also can't make any choices because i do want to Live capital L but then i can't because that's unchristian. i can't care about that either because i'm fucked either way. i am alone and i probably have been doomed for that from the start. nothing but suffering awaits me and i can't even hope for anything to change because i can't do shit about anything. all that's left is to become a 4channer ig. tried to open up just a smidge more to my mom and realized that probably won't help either way. broke down again because i am but a pussy. fumbled valorant. genuinely don't even know what we're studying in math and i probably have a test which i will once again fail. can't even sleep normally, went to sleep at 7 again. stayed out yesterday with T until after 2, went to the cemetery park, the spotty, and then listened to music in his car. that's genuinely the greatest audio i've ever heard in a car, but could be just because he's using an aux. keep thinking about how i deluded myself from the beginning by basically just desperately hoping i was more important to you than i was and how i felt special even if i wasn't. for too long my brain refused to comprehend that maybe you just didn't love me all that much despite what you used to say. i could be more stubborn about you but that's only gonna hurt you and make you hate me more which is dumb. maybe there's nothing waiting for me in the future. my whole life i did nothing but think of others and aimed to help others and live for others, i literally basically have no reason to live for myself. everything i thought i cared about about myself is lowkey so meaningless. and i hate the fact that sometimes i still want to live and experience the world because it is actually so beautiful and full of possibility because i can't even be a christian for at least some semblance of a faux ass meaning to my life. basically everything is shit and i'm tired of thinking about everything. i am worried about you though i want you to be well. i Sense your Absence and am of course too scared to see what might have caused it. panicking very hard so i'm trying to do some new breathing thing i was just taught but that's just making me too dizzy from the oxygen overload. i wonder if you still say good night to me in your head sigh hopefully you don't and you moved on from everything and are having a wonderful life. i have some frite kahlo tea - hibiscus, rosechips, orange peel, and false advertisement of watermelon. i don't really like fruit tea but i am severely dehydrated so that works. goodbye

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